HULLO LUVS!!!!!!!! SORRY FOR HOW LONG THIS ALL TOOK BUT I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY BUSY WHACKING GROUSE WITH A POLO MALLET IN SHROPSHIRE. ACTUALLY I DO BELIEVE ITS SHROPSHIRE-ON-FWOMPINGHAM BUT REALLY WHOS COUNTING? NOT THE FRENCH FOR CERTAIN. HAHA.
ANYWAYS HERES THE NEXT BATCH OF ADVISES FOR THE PATHETIC COMMONERS SO ENJOY OR I'LL WHACK YOU HARD SEE IF I DON'T.dear princ eharry,
everoyne wants me to get a livejournal, but i tihnk they're dumb. what should I tell my friends the next time they bitch at me about it?
WELL LUV ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT YOU TYPE LIKE A SLAG ON FIRE SO OFF WITH YOU NOW!!!!! SERIOUSLY LIVEJOURNALS ARE FOR SUPERIOR ROYALS LIKE MESELF AND WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER BLOODY HAMFINGERS MUCKING UP THE POND!!!!!
STUPID TWAT.Your Royal Highness,
I recently moved to London and I want to marry your brother and have fabulous sex in all of the royal palaces. But, he's still in Scotland and I'm here and I'm horny.
What should I do? Are there actual men in London who aren't gay or suffering from extremely bad dental hygiene?
The She-Wolf of London (vicky)
WELL CONGRATS LUV BUT I DON'T THINK YOULL HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE WITH WILLIAM. HE'S A BIT OF A PONCE. THATS WHY HE WENT TO SCOTLAND BCUZ THATS WHERE WE PREFER TO KEEP OUR MORE PONCY ROYALS. YOU CAN SHAG ME ALL YOU LIKE UNLESS YOU ARE A FATTY IN WHICH CASE I SHALL MANFULLY SHAKE YOUR HAND AND BACK AWAY SO THAT YOU DON'T EAT ME ON THE SLY.
ALSO ALL THE MEN IN LONDON ARE BRAWNY AND MASCULINE. THATS WHY THEY WEAR SUCH TIGHT PANTS. HERE ARE A FEW WAYS YOU CAN SEDUCE LONDONERS:
1. Make a nasty joke about Parliamentary procedure.
2. Set fire to an effigy of Margaret Thatcher.
3. Sing a song about Chalk Farm Road.
4. Pretend you are the queen. It usually works for Gram; I saw her snogging the vicar last Midsummer's Eve. Only she's the real queen. It still might work.
THE SHAGGING OFFER STANDS THO.
PLZ SHAG ME.
IM SO LONELY.Dear Harry,
Whenever I bludgeon homeless people to death, I somehow manage to get nasty bloodstains on my silk tunic. They are nearly impossible to get out! HELP!
GETTING PEASANT BLOOD OUT OF A TUNIC IS QUITE DIFFICULT AS THE COMMONERS DO NOT HAVE RICH AND SEXY BLUE BLOOD, BUT PURE RAGU OLD WORLD STYLE MARINARA SAUCE. YOU MIGHT TRY PLANTING IT ON AN ENEMY AND THEN CALLING THE CONSTABLE AND CLAIMING THAT THEY DID THE BLUDGEONING. OR YOU MIGHT TRY TONIC WATER. WHATEVER WORKS FOR YOU!Dear Harry,
Can we Snog? Now? Can your brother join in?
BLOODY HELL YES! NOW THATS WHY I GOT INTO THIS CRAZY PSYCHIC BUSINESS IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! A GOOD HOT SHAG! SINCE YOU'RE THE PEASANTY HOWEVER WE CAN'T SHAG IN THE ROYAL SHAGGERY, WE HAVE TO DO IT IN THE PHEASANT CAGE BEHIND DADDY'S WELSHMAN-BEATING RANGE. DONT WORRY I'LL BRING SOME SNACKS AND A HOT TOWEL.
OH AND WILLY'S A PONCE. THAT'S WHY I CANDIED HIS TROUSERS IF YOU GET MY MEANING.
WAIT THAT SOUNDED KIND OF--dEaR hArRy!!!! (wot iz hrh? HarRy... wots ur last nam?)
i n33d some advice plznthnx so anser this!!!! i'm in a love triangle at my school! some ugly boi likes me but i dont like him (he smells like patchouli) BUTTTTT ilike this OTHER(!!) boi, but i think he's gay(!!!!OMFG whos gay???) and likez the first boi (the patchouli 1 who also has LOTTZ of spots or whatevah u limeys call ZITS!!!)
so my queston iz... HOW can i kill them both so thell never be happy 2gether?????
ps (the 2nd 1 iz GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!)
u no it, EMILY! YAH MA BITTCIZZZZ!!!
I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THAT AT ALL BUT SINCE I AM COMMITTED TO ADVICERY I SHALL DO MY UTMOST TO UNDERSTAND IT.
OKAY FIRST OF ALL POOFS ARE ATTRACTED TO PATCHOULI SO YOU MUST STEAL HIS SCENT BOTTLE AND DUMP IT DOWN THE LOO. THEN FILL THE BOTTLE WITH BEES!
HE WILL BE A SAD POOF INDEED AND THEN YOU CAN MOCK HIM IN FRONT OF THE FELLOW YOU FANCY. ALSO A SPOTTY POOF HAS THE ABILITY TO CAMOUFLAGE HIMSELF OR BE VERY CAREFUL WHEN SITTING IN CHAIRS. OR ANYTHING ELSE SITTABLE.
IT IS NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY TO KILL IN ORDER TO GET YOUR WAY. USUALLY A MILD THREAT AND A FISTFUL OF CASH DOES MUCH THE SAME.
P.S.- MY NAME IS NOT EMILY. ANYMORE.
ANYWAYS LADS THAT THERE'S MY COLUMN SO COME ON OVER AND ASK ME MORE QUESTIONS!!!!!
I LOVE BACON!!!!!!!!!!
H.R.H. Prince Harry
Prince of whatever I bloody well wish to be prince of